I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and while it still causes me some pain, I think I’m in a healthier place to be able to share it now. Here is what happened when I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me:
I had a feeling in my gut I couldn't ignore.
They say there is nothing quite like a women's intuition - and maybe this was mine speaking to me.
I could feel something coming from behind me and through the back of my spine until I finally felt a nudge deep in my stomach.
"Don't trust him," it said in a soft voice.
It didn't speak to me necessarily in a quiet whisper, but it wasn't a slap in the face, either. It was just something that was there.
"Don't believe him," it kept saying. "He's not telling you the truth."
We had recently officially declared ourselves an item again after a few days of a treturous, drawn out, painful "break" that he had said he wanted.
I knew we were having problems - I mean, I was in the relationship too - but I didn't know it was to the point that he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. After all, we had looked at engagement rings together and had built a life of hopes and dreams together. We had gone on trips and integrated our families and friends into each others lives. We had been dating seriously and steadily for about a year. We were going to have a family and get married, and I was going to adapt to life on the farm and live happily ever after in the romantic seclusion of an organic, peaceful, simple life with my true love.
Until these words finally came out of his mouth:
"Yes, there was another girl. But I only talked to her when we were on our break and met her for coffee once."
The story didn't add up. We were hardly on a break. And why didn't he tell me earlier? We were supposed to be starting over. I had poured my heart out to him and pleaded for him not to give up on us. Had he already?
I did something everyone told me not to do - I found her on Facebook and sent her a message. I felt a little bit crazy, but I needed to know. And I felt she needed to know, too.
Had he played us both as fools?
The truth comes out
Four days later she got back to me. Sorry for the late reply, she said. He and I have a complicated history.
Uh-oh. I thought. Who is this girl? They have a history? I had never heard of her before. I didn't know this girl existed. I thought I knew who all of his ex-girlfriends were?
He and I have been talking every day for about the last month, she wrote. He told me you two were done. I was even staying at his house when I was in town for the weekend. He told me he loved me and wanted to marry me and live happily ever after on his farm and start a family together. Sorry, I should have known he was playing both us.
Thanks, my boyfriends-other-girlfriend, for getting back to me. I'm glad we were able to connect.
The feeling of being cheated on by the person I loved left me feeling physically sick - and really, really tired.
I had to take time off work. My house was a mess and I didn't even shower for a couple of days.
All around, I felt gross and dirty.
This man had been leading a double life and I was half of it.
I can forgive him for lying to me and cheating on me. And I can see that each day, the sun is shining a bit brighter.
I'm cleaning up my house.
I'm cleaning up my life.
I'm taking out the trash and am throwing away things that no longer serve me. So far, I've gathered two bags of clothes - and an ex-boyfriend.
It still breaks my heart, but it has to be done.
I can only hope that everyone involved learns from this experience. I hope that we can eventually all live a good life that we are proud of, and that we can chalk this up as an experience. Not only a painful, heartbreaking, unfortunate experience, but a beautiful one, too.
A new start.
A hope for something better.
A hug and a wave goodbye.
Thank you for the year we had together - the good and the bad. Thank you for apologizing for the way you treated me. And most importantly, thank you for helping me realize my self-worth.
I am a great person and I know I deserve better than the way you treated me.
I deserve to be with someone who will want to be with me, accept me for who I am, and not date another women on the side.
I can't wait to start fresh. I can't wait to slowly pick up the pieces of my broken heart, one-by-one, and be myself again. Happy and free of these pains.
I believe that you are sorry. I also believe that you are sorry you got caught.
I will pray for you. I will pray that you don't stray again when things get rough, and that you don't ever have to live a sad life full of lies again. I will pray you find strength, security and will power in yourself when faced with temptation.
And I will pray for me. I will pray for strength to walk away, look ahead, and find better.
Thanks for reading,